RSD Alert www.rsdalert.co.uk
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Diary of a HBO user |
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| Enough
is Enough I have decided. I don’t know how much
more I can cope. The pain is beyond description. I am struggling
to get out of bed. – What is the point? After waking up –
if I managed to get some sleep, I have to wait till the dizziness
has gone, the funny head has returned to normal, I can see colour
and no grey swaying images. I hit and rub my legs to wake them up
from the dead - strange how something can be so dead and numb, yet
at the same time the pain can be so bad.
You slowly move your body to the edge of the bed, and think “Here we go again”. You slowly put that dreaded first foot on the floor, the sharp needles spear up in through your foot up to the knees. Then up to your hips. Sharp pain shots through you. The other foot reaches the floor and again the pins and needles shear up taking your breath away. As you struggle to get up the feeling of broken glass under your feet gets sharper and sharper as your full weight presses down on your feet. You slowly take deep breaths, that start to become louder and faster to cope with the soaring pain in each step you take. You are all hunched up, in pain thinking is it all worth it? You see the kids wake up and see their wonderful faces and think YES it is, I love them so much. But how much can I or body take? You struggle with every step as you cling on to the banister to go down stairs. The legs don’t move, the muscles are hard and tight, they won't allow you to bend them at all. The foot wont flex to allow to take a step. You wobbly and prey you don’t fall. You can’t grip with your right hand, so you have to use your left hand and balance yourself over the banister as you descent, down the now dangerous staircase. You struggle take 5 steps at a time, you sound like a heavy breather, as each step takes your breath away. The hallway seems to stretch; it looks longer than before; it takes forever to get to the kitchen. You have made it. You slowly fill the kettle with a small amount of water – just enough for that important cuppa. You reach to take a pill, your lifeline to survival - only they don’t work - you wonder why you bother. How many types drugs does it take to give you a better life? They say nothing more can be done. You have had it all, “Sorry you have to live with it”. If I was an animal, they would be in Prison for Cruelty to Animals; yet it is OK for me to suffer; me a human being who also has feelings and needs. I just want to be pain free, to be able to move better than I can now! – Is that too much to ask for!
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